You get the dreaded call.

Someone you know or love has just been diagnosed with cancer. Your heart sinks, your gut clenches and you take a deep breath. You want to rush over and fix it but let’s face it you’re not a miracle worker. You’re only human.

What can you do?

Surprisingly a lot

1. Allow yourself a moment to digest the news. Just like your person with cancer, shock and disbelief are usually the first things to arrive. Take some deep breaths, say some prayers and give yourself a few minutes to get centered and grounded. Recognize you both are going to be on a journey and pacing yourself is important.

2. Ask your person how you can be supportive. At first they won’t know and that’s okay. Simply asking how you can support them gives them reassurance that they are not going to go through this alone. Make sure they have your current contact information and tell them to call you if they need anything. But don’t leave it at that…

3. Think Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. Creature comforts matter; A soft pillow, warm blanket, hats or gloves, a piece of chocolate, a book or Netflix recommendation.

   1. Can you step in and help provide meals, run errands, help problems solve financial issues whether insurance or simply paying bills on time?

   2. Can you help with laundry, cleaning the bathroom, mopping floors or changing the sheets?

   3. Can you help with errands, grocery shopping, running kids to school or practice, going to the pharmacy?

   4. Can you provide a daily or weekly check in phone call or text message (as preferred by your person).

   5. Post surgery, can you help with changing dressings, washing hair, getting dressed when mobility and balance might be off, tracking medication?

4. Are you willing to go to doctors and treatment appointments. Shock and overwhelm can be a daily part of the journey for your person. Hearing what the doctor or treatment team are recommending, asking clarifying questions, remembering medication schedules, etc might be too much to take in, for the person with cancer. A second set of ears- who can also take notes -can be a godsend. On the other hand, too many people tagging along can be overwhelming, so making a plan for who will accompany your person can keep them on track to get the treatment they need.

5. Ask your person before offering unsolicited advice. One of the hardest thing is to hear other people suggest; changing diet, positive mindset, gratitude, meditation practices, different treatment options and prognoses of others people who have suffered with the same diagnosis. There might be some openness to hearing this information, but it behooves you to ASK FIRST if the person is open and wanting to hear what you’ve got to say. Your person might already be overwhelmed with options, be low in energy, have misgivings about the treatment path they are on. They don’t need you adding to their confusion. (Hey, I am all about wellness practices and they are important, but remember time and place!)

6. Don’t shield them from life outside their four walls. This is another place to ask before sharing. However, many people dealing with cancer are treated as if they are fragile and don’t care about what is going on in their friends and families lives. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Your person still wants to be included in your day to day life. Nothing is too small or irrelevant. No it’s not the same as a cancer diagnosis, but sometimes it’s nice to hear about things other than what is all consuming in this person’s world. Your troubles are a respite from their own, and can also allow your person to be of value to you, in your time of need.

7. Insert something fun or unexpected. Being remembered as a person beyond their cancer diagnosis is such a blessing. Between treatments when your person is starting to feel better, consider taking them for a drive or an unexpected outing. If their prognosis is good, make plans for the future, dream a little about upcoming milestones or seasons they might be looking forward to. If their prognosis is poor, check in with them to see what is important for them to accomplish sooner rather than later.

8. If you are comfortable, offer to talk about death, dying, spirituality and legacy. Cancer is a double edge sword. It forces us to face into the unknown. It forces us to realize that life has a beginning, middle and end and that our end doesn’t come when we plan or expect it to. Talking about death doesn’t hasten death. It can actually be comforting to talk to another person about what it might be like to die. For many people, a cancer diagnosis puts life into sharper focus. To this end, it is an opportunity to transform the remaining days, weeks, months or years of life into days spent living with purpose. Shorter time forces us to focus on what’s truly important. Allow your person to explore what is important to them, what needs to change in their life, what they hope and dream they can do, what they might need to come to terms with and grieve are wonderful gifts, even if the discussion is hard and uncomfortable. Offer to be a sounding board for them. You don’t need to have ANY ANSWERS. You simply need to be willing to listen and stay present.

9. Assist in putting final wishes into writing. Even if your person has a miraculous recovery or doesn’t have a terminal diagnosis, cancer causes many people to want to put their affairs in order. Wills, trusts, estate planning, care of minor children or pets, end of life care, medical and estate power of attorney, funeral, burial or cremation arrangements are important work for many people. While you as the support person might find this premature or too much focusing on the negative; it’s not. Simply doing something including planning for the future can be healing in itself. The act of planning is an act of love. It allows the person to have a say in how they want to be remembered. It can also be a relief to know that their affairs are tied up and they can relax knowing life will go on after them.

10. Plan for your own self care. It’s a rare person who would voluntarily sign up to have cancer or have a friend or family member with cancer. Accepting the reality of your situation is one step in supporting everyone involved. But all that supporting can be draining. It is equally important to give yourself planned breaks. You still have your own life and your own responsibilities to care for. Take time to deal with what is yours to deal with. Paying your own bills, going to work, tending to your home and family are important. Doing so will actually reduce some of your own stress. If the stress of all your caring is becoming too much, by all means delegate. If your sorrow and grief are too much then seek out a counselor to support you in your important work. And yes, there is a time and place to have some fun, play, socialize with friends, take naps, do something creative, anything to recharge your spirit and your energy. You have nothing to feel bad about. Your loved one would want you to take care of that which is yours- just like they did before cancer showed up.

11. Remember your person with cancer is still a human being. They deserve all the love and understanding they can get. Be aware they might frequently forget things. They might say yes and then beg out of things at the last minute - their energy changes on a day to day basis. Their moods may be unpredictable, medications might change how they respond to life. Don’t take that personally. They probably don’t want to be a burden and might be shy about asking for what they need - keep that in mind. They are sill humans who need gentleness, humor, love and respect. They need hugs, “I love you’s” “You’re not alone” “We’ll get through this together” and silliness to get through the bad days.

This is by no means a comprehensive list. Feel free to add your own discoveries to the list. But hopefully this will give you some food for thought. Reaching out for help if you find yourself overwhelmed with your own emotions is not a sign of weakness. We all can use help at times. Call now for support.