R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I was talking to someone recently who stated that they believed they were being disrespected. It turns out, what they were viewing as disrespect was actually a difference of opinion that they didn't like. Their desires were thwarted and they weren't happy about it. As the story of their interaction unfolded, they minimized the fact that they had a tantrum (read yelled and raged) about the other person holding a different stance, and instead turned and blamed that person for said disrespect. IYKYK

Here's the thing: there is nuance to be considered when we are talking about respect and disrespect.

A Paradox

Every person deserves respect simply because they are human.

Period. AND, at the same time,

Respect is Earned.

Ingredients that contribute to being shown respect:

Integrity

Your words and actions must match. You do the things you say you are going to do. You follow up. You don't take advantage of other people. You are responsible for your own life — your share of household tasks or work assignments. You notice when others are struggling, offering to help when you have capacity. You are financially responsible. You are accountable for your own wellness.

Consideration

Other people have the right to exist. You consider other people's wants, needs and emotions when making your decisions, because your decisions always have an impact on other people. You don't make decisions on behalf of others without consulting their opinions, wants, needs, and the potential consequences of those decisions and choices. You respect the energetic and capacity needs of those around you. You respect other people's No. You respect other people's boundaries. You don't assume you know what is best for others. You listen to understand — not to respond, win, or fix. You don't weaponize vulnerability someone has shared with you. You ensure the safety of yourself and every other human around you.

Repair

You admit you are wrong, and when you are short, rude, inconsiderate or being difficult. You own your mistakes You initiate and make repairs when you are wrong. But repair isn't just words — it's behavior change. Knowing better obligates you to do better. An apology without changed action is just performance. Real repair means you learn, you adjust, and you show up differently next time. Anything less is mental acknowledgment dressed up as accountability.

Humility

You allow that two different things can be true at the same time. You understand that other people having a different perspective and lived experience doesn't negate yours or put them in competition with you. You are willing to be influenced by those you are in relationship with. You are open to variation, differences, changes, flexibility, new information and experiences.

Connection

Your basic posture is one of kindness. You initiate contact. You prioritize your relationships and make sure they get the attention they deserve. You don't drop your plans when something "better or more fun" comes along — you honor your commitments. You can take care of your own wants and needs. You have the ability to ask for help and ask for what you want and need. You are humble.

Obstacles to Getting Respect

People don't automatically get deference, obedience, worship or demand action by others simply because they want it. That's not respect, that's egoic and demanding superiority.

You are one of many in the human family, you are not the center of it. Let that sink in. YOU are not the center of the universe.

I've heard many parents rail; My kids show me no respect. And then they launch into abusive ranting and berating of the child. Thus proving the reason they are not getting respect. They are showing blatant disrespect for their child - a role model to be sure. Unkindness is a tell. Fakeness and two faced attitudes are also tells. If you're talking bad about someone else behind their back, then it's likely no one is safe around you.

If you feel you deserve it because of your role, title, gender, age, SES, or any other arbitrary sign of prestige, buckle up buttercup, you might not get it simply because you hold these stations in life.

There are many other factors that contribute to other people offering to respect you. But as you can see; if you are a jerk or an asshole, respect will be limited. Instilling fear is different from respect. People who fear you don't respect you. And if you’re unwilling or unable to accept these conditions of engagement, perhaps you need to consider if YOU are the problem. Perhaps you don’t deserve to be in relationship, because you don’t believe the rules apply to you.

Good Manners and The Golden Rule

Be a good human to other people, no matter who they are. Show thoughtfulness for animals, the earth, the universe. These are the basics to getting along well with others.

If you show RESPECT for all of these others first, then you just might be on the receiving end of the respect you wanted all along.

Social Anxiety - When did we all lose the ability to talk to strangers?

Story Time

I’d like to tell you a story, one where my adult children were slightly appalled and incredulously questioning my sanity.

My story begins one fine weekend in May -when the temperature had just started to show signs of warming up.  My sun starved self was ready to prepare my yard for the upcoming warmer weather. To that end I decided to shop and buy new yard furniture.  I knew that I wanted stable chairs with ample cushions that would allow for my nearly 6 foot tall build to sit comfortably. The chairs would needed to both rock and swivel. Who wants a stationary chair when you’re sitting outside for pleasure?

I finally found a set of two chairs and a table at my local Costco. I arrived with the trunk of my SUV cleaned out and back seats down to accommodate the load.  Once in the warehouse I found an associate who could measure the box for me. He assured me if I had an SUV it would fit. It didn’t.

Outside I suggested unloading the items from the box, since it was the box that didn’t want to fit into the hatch’s opening.  The associates helped me unbox the items. They lifted the first chair into the hatch and NOPE was not going to fit. Since the frame was solidly constructed all I could do was take the smaller items home and search for an available neighbor with a pick up truck to help me bring the chair frames home.

I have lovely neighbors next door and across the street. I’ll text George and see if he can help me. He immediately replied; “I’d love to help you but I am out of town this weekend, and I lent my truck to my cousin. I’m sorry.”  Uh-oh. The cashier at the store told me I could rent a U-Haul or Home Depot box truck, but I really didn’t want to do that. Still I hopped back into my SUV and searched for another possible option.

In my spare time, I am a frequenter of several local hiking trails. Whether walking or birding I make sure to say hello to passersby, much to the chagrin of my adult children.  “Mom, they don’t want to talk to you or say hi. Leave them alone”  I persist in making eye contact and speaking an appropriate greeting.

I turn the corner and I see one of my neighbors sitting on their porch. I spy a pick up truck in their garage. I tentatively pull into the very end of their driveway. I slowly get out and approach the man on his porch.  It just so happens to be a cyclist who knows me as a “bird lady” on the trail.  We exchange pleasantries. I ask about recent rides now that it’s warming up. He asks about my success birding.  I then gather the courage to ask:

“Chuck, you can totally say no to this… But I was wondering if I could pay you gas money to help me pick up some chairs I just bought at Costco?”

Chuck barely lets me finish my question and blurts out; “You NEED Me?”

I reply; “Yes, if you’re willing to come with me, I’d love help to pick up my new chairs.”

Chuck responds; “Wait right there, let me tell my wife, and grab my keys, I’m ON IT!” with far more enthusiasm than I would have offered if a similar request was made of me.

Chuck followed me to Costco. Opened his hitch and secured my two chairs in with his ratchet straps.  He happily followed me home and helped me unload them. Once again I offered him cash for gas and his time. He refused. But in our earlier exchange Chuck had mentioned other neighbors on our block (that I have never met despite living in this neighborhood nearly 30 years) and how they like to drink coffee together.  I ran inside grabbed him a 1# bag of my favorite coffee and offered it to him as a sign of my appreciation.  Chuck received my offering with a big smile and he departed.

The odd thing was how good I believe this simple exchange between acquaintance neighbors made us both feel.  They have different political views than I do- as I’ve seen by the signs they put in their yard.  But we hold similar values when it comes to time spent in nature, appreciating parks and trails, gardening (they have a huge one, mine is a simple kitchen garden) and answering the call of a neighbor in need.

I returned home and when my kids got back from their day's activities, I recounted the story.  Incredibly, my daughter was so surprised that I asked a stranger for help.  The thought of asking a neighbor for help never occurred to her.  “That seems rude, weren’t you anxious?” 

This is where our lived experiences differ.  I grew up in a time when neighbors knew each other, waved and said hello, offered sugar or eggs if another neighbor ran out and grocery stores were closed. My daughter grew up in the time of stranger danger, making yourself small, being independent to a fault and having difficulty asking for help. Not from lack of me imparting neighborliness on her, but from her ingesting the messaging from school, media, friends and extended family. Strangers are to always remain - Strangers.

I’m sad for her, that she doesn’t believe that sometimes people can be selfless and help a neighbor, just because they can, they are asked and they want to.  It’s a much friendlier world we live in when we are willing to act as if others are open to cooperation and caring gestures.  

Now that neighbor and I wave each time we pass each other's houses. I am sure we will say hello if we run into each other on the trail. I for one will feel the trail is that much safer knowing he is potentially on it. 

What would it take for you to summon courage, bravery, vulnerability to go out on a limb and ask a neighbor for a favor? Or simply to say hello and greet them warmly?  Believe it or not, finding the strength and energy (despite the fear) to engage in such a quest might be the beginning of the end of your social anxiety.