“A broken family is a family in which any member must break herself into pieces to fit in.

A whole family is one in which each member can bring her full self to the table knowing that she will always be both held and free.”

Glennon Doyle - Untamed

When I read this quote I immediately said “YES! This is so true!”

As a counselor, I often meet people who come from so called “whole” families who are struggling to accept significant parts of themselves. They were taught that conformity to some standard of behavior or outward appearance was more important than affirming who they are - especially if they didn’t fit the narrative they were given.

More important than whether one comes from a divorced or intact home, {whether one has a mom and a dad, two moms, two dads, non binary parents, a single parent , grandparents, aunt/uncles or guardians who raised them} is whether each person was recognized for WHO they are.

Breaking ourselves into pieces

Instead the messaging we often receive can fall under some of the following:

• We are a sports family, you need to find a sport to play to fit in

• We are an academic family, hit the books and get good grades, make us proud

• We are a fashionable family, your body image and style reflect on our family image

• We are a outdoor family, get outside, enjoy the culture of hunting, fishing, boating, camping

• We are a religious family, behave yourselves or we won’t look like good Christians, Muslims, Jews

• We are a musical family, pick an instrument, practice and perform so we can be proud of you

• We are a political family, make sure your views align with ours, don’t think for yourself

• We are a straight family, don’t make us uncomfortable with your personal differences

There is a pervasive message that if you don’t fit into what we as a family, neighborhood, school, race, socioeconomic status, state, sport, nation say is important than something about YOU is defective.

If we internalize this message (and as children why wouldn’t we internalize these messages?) then it is typical to spend much of your youth trying to conform. If conformity is too hard, the next action is rebellion. If rebellion doesn’t work, then you may resort to numbing, denying and shaming yourself for not fitting in. Parts of you go into hiding and you fake your way though life.

A Developmental Lens

In some of my other reading, I have learned that it is normal for people to go through stages in developing a sense of self. What makes it easier to creating an authentic sense of self is having family relationships that are supportive of the exploration stages. Resisting the urge to have our family look a certain way allows us to open to the trueness of our family members.

The first quarter to half of life consists of creating a container for who we are, and it looks like conformity. This stage is essential for learning how to be a productive and supportive member of society. We learn how to get along with others, work as a team, and have goals that reach beyond ourselves. We become empathetic, moral, ethical humans. Idealism and ‘this is how things should be’ - are common at this stage.

The next 10-20 years we apply what we learned. We get jobs, couple, have children, accumulate wealth and do the things we are supposed to do.

Then midlife hits and we realize that we have certain parts of ourselves that are crying for attention. Part that we had formerly hidden or denied because they didn’t conform to the narrative that was given to us.

We Hit A Wall

The wall is our invitation, an opportunity to become more fully ourselves. We can uncover long forgotten parts of ourselves. We can put shame -that we acquired for not fitting into what we thought we were supposed to be - to rest. We don’t have to be like everyone else to be acceptable, to find belonging, to be lovable. In fact, we find that when we are fully ourselves, we are more lovable.

Letting go of the old messaging that we received can be quite healing and freeing. We get to show up as we were created. We get to tap into our gifts, our experience, our worldview to make the world a better place. What a gift!

How Do I Make Changes?

When I read Glennon Doyles quote above, there was a sense of “wouldn’t it be nice if we could all grow up in families like the whole families she describe - To be “held and free” at the same time?

We all know we can’t change the past. What we can do is become intentional about the messaging we relay about the culture of our family. Let’s take a few moments to be reflective:

• How do I interact with my family members?

• Do I allow them to be authentically themselves? Even if I don’t understand or agree?

• Am I willing to educate myself on those things I am unfamiliar with?

• Do I celebrate each family member and friend for their uniqueness instead of insist on their conformity?

• Can I stop forcing others to be the way I want them to be? And learn how to embrace who they are instead?

• Do I have the attitude of “I don’t know, but we can learn together?”

It can be hard to separate yourself from the constant messaging of you must do, act, behave these ways in order to fit in. And let’s be honest, belonging is a matter of survival. It takes a lot of work to go against the cultural narrative.

If you find yourself struggling to allow yourself to become who you already are, there is no shame in asking for help. Sometimes it takes another person to validate and witness what you already know is true in your heart. Just aligning with one other person who understands, can go a long way in reducing anxiety and creating a more joyful life.

Contact me, I’d be honored to join you on your journey to reclaiming your wholeness.