You find yourself surprised— being faced with something that you never thought would cross your radar.

Your child has admitted that the inner turmoil they are feeling may be related to questions about their sexuality or their gender identity. Everything you thought you knew about your child is suddenly turned on its ear. You might find yourself blindsided, confused, grieving or scared for your child’s future. This revelation doesn’t match up to the dream you had of your child dating, getting married and having a family.

Ok, so here you are. My kid is gay! or gender non-conforming. Welcome to the LGBTQ family.

What are you going to do about it?

First off, take a breath. Take another slow deep inhale and slow deep exhale. Let’s put this in perspective.

Developmentally, children are constantly in the process of acquiring new skills and developing their own sense of self. Who am I? What am I good at? What is a struggle for me? What do I want to be when I grow up? Do I want to date? Who do I have a crush on? What college will I go to? Do I even want to go to college? Curfew - what curfew? You say I need a job? Do I want to marry or have a family someday? I don’t know what I am good at?… And the list goes on.

All of these questions are part of a any child’s growing up journey. Each of us has to try on different personality traits, talents, skills, and values before we land on who we are and what is important to us. Turbulent? Yes, But, this is normal, expected development.

As a professional, I am here to say that today it is also common to question sexuality and gender. I don’t think that it’s more common now, just more openly acknowledged as a process.

• Who am I attracted to?

• Who do I want to date?

• Will I fall in love?

• Do I want a family?

• Do I like myself when I am with the person I am dating?

• Am I a better me?

When a child/teen/young adult confides in you that they think they may be gay or that they might not feel male or female -as you have always known them -

This is an invitation for connection. Your child is in essence saying - I am trying to figure something important out about my identity, and I need you to support me.

Your acceptance is paramount at this moment! This is one of those parenting moments; like taking a child to the doctor to get stitches or a broken bone set, that might make you uncomfortable, but you swallow your discomfort to console your child and be with them so they know they are safe and not alone. This admission of their questioning is as vital and critical as a medical emergency, it needs to be acknowledged and paid attention to.

Helping your child move through gay or gender fluidity requires a specific set of skills.

First of all, your child needs to hear:

“I love you- no matter what".

Without this acceptance, they are essentially cast off to figure things out on their own. This can drastically increase anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation. I cannot stress this enough. Be your own child’s champion and advocate.

It is acceptable to follow up your I love you with a statement like;

“I don’t know what this means, but WE will get through this together.”

Again, the idea that your child doesn’t have to navigate these waters alone is essential. As a parent, it is your job to seek out others who have had a similar experience; groups such as PFLAG.org or the Trevor Project can be great resources, as can other families who have accepted their gay children. Ask questions, read literature, face your beliefs and ask more questions. Growth happens when life shakes your long held beliefs to the core. Share with other adults. Grief and loss is a common emotional experience for parents. Like all emotions, this will pass with your own process and work. Consult medical and mental health counseling professionals to help you get your head and heart clear so you can continue to support your child as they grow and develop.

What if it’s a phase?

Well then, good on you for supporting your child through a difficult phase of their life! You’re not wrong for supporting your child’s developmental process, no matter what form it takes. And if it’s not a phase, then your child knows, through experience, that you are with them through thick and thin, you have their back and can be trusted. That’s a wonderful place to stand as a parent as your child grows into adulthood and beyond.

As a parent, recognize you can have your own feelings about this. Vent and process with other adults. Not with your child. You can ask your child to be patient with you as you learn how to best support them. It is fairly common that children/teens/young adults have been contemplating and questioning themselves for months to years prior to talking to their parents. They have had time to process, learn and adjust. Parents are allowed time as well. Give your child the gift of openness. I love you and I am learning all I can to be supportive.

Lastly, relax. Your child is no different than they were yesterday. They are still organically the same person. They have trusted you enough with a precious part of their process. You are a front row observer as your child becomes who they are meant to be. Stand back and be awed.

If you find yourself still struggling, please reach out. Contact me to set up a time we can talk. You don’t have to go through this alone either. LGBTQ counseling can help you process your feelings as a parent of a gay or questioning child or adult child.