Time Away
I realize it has been a while since I wrote anything on my blog.
Lots of reasons…and literally no reason in particular. I like many of you have found myself in an in-between space.
2020 is truly a big pause, a big shift.
It has changed how we recon with time, what fills our days, what feeds us and makes us feel connected. Contending with fear and uncertainty drains most of our vital energy. For me, this year has felt surreal and definitely not normal.
Early on I decided to try to stay in the moment and go with the flow. What I didn’t realize was that would mean dealing with my energy resources being different and harder to access than in previous times. {Please note, my state did a pretty good job of keeping cases low and managing the medical needs of the community. It was not the dire trauma of neighboring states and countries - so I recognize this is stated from a place of some health security}.
With less time commuting, hours spent in the office, more time at home and surrounded by loved ones - I initially thought I would get so much done. I don’t know about you, but the first month of shelter-in-place was great! I got so much organized and clutter cleared out. I painted rooms that needed it, planted a garden, tore down a detached garage. I read four novels for the fun of it. That was month one.
Month two, nada. Month three and four, not much else has been accomplished. I find myself asking what am I doing with my time? Traditionally, when I ask myself this questions, I move into a shame spiral, my critical parent chastising me.
This time is different.
I am finding the slowed pace of this time actually suits me. I am no longer wanting to measure myself by productivity markers. In fact, the whole productivity thing is toxic and draining. Definitely a thing I am willing to kick to the curb!
What I am discovering is now that time has opened up, I am actively spending more time moving. More time in nature. More time soul searching. More time intentionally choosing what to include in my life, who to let in. I am going with the flow more. And honestly, giving myself permission to just BE. Not DO. Simply BE.
This state of being -is not defined my my labels, roles or the rules that I usually subject myself to.
This state is allowing myself to see some of my parts I would rather not see. But in seeing them, I am calling those parts out of the shadows and into the light. Encouraging those parts to be okay with being noticed. Healing is happening. Shame is slowly loosening its grip. It’s not easy, but as I walk through this experience I am finding it easier to breathe, easier to sit, relax and enjoy.
Simplicity is returning.
So what if I choose to eat only fresh strawberries for dinner?
So what if I don’t wake up to a screaching alarm clock but when my body is ready to wake up?
So what if I don’t participate in all the busyness that used to drive my everyday existence? Who makes the rules that I force myself to comply with?
Do these rules still serve me?
Or is there something better?
What can I implement that will move me in the direction of opening up space and living within the natural flow of my energy?
How cool that I can take an extended lunch break and watch a movie with my kids!
How cool that cancelled vacation gets turned into camping instead!
How cool that I can choose to read in a swing handing from my favorite tree!
How cool that I have been able to watch two robins nest be built, laid, hatched, nurtured and fledged - right outside my kitchen door!
Yes-And
Yes there has been loss and pain.
Yes things are not as we prefer them.
Yes some days it feels chaotic and dark.
And I am able to savor the good things each day.
And I am learning how many trappings of a good life are actually necessary(it isn’t as much as we’ve been told).
And I am truly learning to cherish the connections and relationships around me.
And I have slowed down enough to see the beauty in the world around me, as close as my front door, back yard, community.
And life lessons are starting to come into clearer focus - for I have time to observe.
How about you?
How has 2020 shaped your experience of life?
Have you been able to recon with the hard parts, shed the parts that are no longer serving you, and come away with a renewed sense of purpose? (BTW that purpose is ever evolving and shifting as we move through time). If you find yourself still struggling - maybe its because you are trying to do things on your own.
Maybe it’s time to reach out for some help. I am seeing clients and have current openings to help you learn how to Just BE.
It’s a lovely experience.