I found myself alone for the first time in years. The alone I had craved as a mother, partner, and business person. But the thought of being alone actually terrified me—I didn't know how to do this. It was unfamiliar and the feelings that showed up were uncomfortable.
Then the thoughts crashed over me in accusatory fashion: *You're unlovable. No one wants to be with you. You're so boring you don't even know what you like. Why did you even want this to begin with?* My heart started racing, heat rose in my body and made me sweat. I felt slightly nauseous.
How do I know I'm okay when I'm so used to gauging my okayness from the okay state of those around me?
Learning to Reparent Yourself
For me, I have to stop, recognize my tormentor thoughts are present, and then reparent myself with gentleness, humor, love and respect. How do I talk to my child who awakens with a nightmare? Can I talk soothingly and kindly to myself? Can I co-regulate my scary feelings and let myself know I am actually here to move through the discomfort and back into safety and regulation?
Sometimes I narrate what I'm noticing. Now that I'm alone and there aren't any people noises in the house, I recognize the pets playing or getting into trouble, the wind blowing on my window screens, the traffic outside and every little bump and bang. I narrate: "I'm hearing the cat knocking something down, there's a truck shifting loudly, the wind must really be picking up." Not judging myself, simply observing.
"This is weird being alone, so odd I don't know what to do with myself."
The Question That Changes Everything
Then I ask myself: What is it that I've really been wanting to do?
At first it might be something at home. Read a book uninterrupted, take a hot bath, make myself a cup of tea or a pot of soup. Over time I might then consider leaving my house and taking myself out for a meal. At first I bring a book to keep me company. Then I simply people watch. How about a movie of my choosing by myself with no one to talk over me? How about a walk at my favorite park? What about taking that art class I've wanted to do? That weekend trip that has been calling me can be planned now that I'm alone. Then scheduled, then taken, all by myself.
The Surprising Discovery
What surprised me most was that I LOVE solo adventures. I'm up for flying to Europe alone, I'll drive across the country alone. I just queue up podcasts, playlists or books on tape to keep my mind active while I drive. The world is bigger, friendlier and more open than I imagined when I was afraid all on my own.
I was able to engage with strangers and have adventures. Then those strangers became touch points later on in my travels, good memories. When I returned I had enriched my life by having the adventure, I had confidence from doing something unfamiliar and scary at first, and had new things to share with my friends, partner, and kids.
Alone Does Not Equal Lonely
I thought being comfortable alone would make me need people less. Instead, it made me better at loving them. I stopped showing up desperate for connection and started showing up full—with stories to share, confidence earned, and the kind of presence that only comes from someone who genuinely enjoys their own company.
When you're genuinely fulfilled by your own company, you show up to relationships as a whole person choosing connection, not a half-person seeking completion. You want to be with people instead of needing to be with them. And that difference changes everything.
Turns out the world I was afraid to face alone was actually just waiting for me to show up.
For my Jungian Friends This Process is the Heros/ Heroines Journey
The Call to Adventure: Finally getting the alone time you craved as a mother, partner, business person
The Refusal/Fear: "I don't know how to do this" + the panic attacks and tormentor thoughts
Crossing the Threshold: That first moment you chose to reparent yourself instead of reaching for your phone
The Ordeal: Sitting with the discomfort, narrating without judgment, asking "What do I actually want to do?"
The Reward: Discovering you love solo adventures - Europe, cross-country drives, engaging with strangers
The Return: Coming home transformed, with stories to share and the ability to choose connection from fullness instead of desperation