I was talking to someone recently who stated that they believed they were being disrespected. It turns out, what they were viewing as disrespect was actually a difference of opinion that they didn't like. Their desires were thwarted and they weren't happy about it. As the story of their interaction unfolded, they minimized the fact that they had a tantrum (read yelled and raged) about the other person holding a different stance, and instead turned and blamed that person for said disrespect. IYKYK
Here's the thing: there is nuance to be considered when we are talking about respect and disrespect.
A Paradox
Every person deserves respect simply because they are human.
Period. AND, at the same time,
Respect is Earned.
Ingredients that contribute to being shown respect:
Integrity
Your words and actions must match. You do the things you say you are going to do. You follow up. You don't take advantage of other people. You are responsible for your own life — your share of household tasks or work assignments. You notice when others are struggling, offering to help when you have capacity. You are financially responsible. You are accountable for your own wellness.
Consideration
Other people have the right to exist. You consider other people's wants, needs and emotions when making your decisions, because your decisions always have an impact on other people. You don't make decisions on behalf of others without consulting their opinions, wants, needs, and the potential consequences of those decisions and choices. You respect the energetic and capacity needs of those around you. You respect other people's No. You respect other people's boundaries. You don't assume you know what is best for others. You listen to understand — not to respond, win, or fix. You don't weaponize vulnerability someone has shared with you. You ensure the safety of yourself and every other human around you.
Repair
You admit you are wrong, and when you are short, rude, inconsiderate or being difficult. You own your mistakes You initiate and make repairs when you are wrong. But repair isn't just words — it's behavior change. Knowing better obligates you to do better. An apology without changed action is just performance. Real repair means you learn, you adjust, and you show up differently next time. Anything less is mental acknowledgment dressed up as accountability.
Humility
You allow that two different things can be true at the same time. You understand that other people having a different perspective and lived experience doesn't negate yours or put them in competition with you. You are willing to be influenced by those you are in relationship with. You are open to variation, differences, changes, flexibility, new information and experiences.
Connection
Your basic posture is one of kindness. You initiate contact. You prioritize your relationships and make sure they get the attention they deserve. You don't drop your plans when something "better or more fun" comes along — you honor your commitments. You can take care of your own wants and needs. You have the ability to ask for help and ask for what you want and need. You are humble.
Obstacles to Getting Respect
People don't automatically get deference, obedience, worship or demand action by others simply because they want it. That's not respect, that's egoic and demanding superiority.
You are one of many in the human family, you are not the center of it. Let that sink in. YOU are not the center of the universe.
I've heard many parents rail; My kids show me no respect. And then they launch into abusive ranting and berating of the child. Thus proving the reason they are not getting respect. They are showing blatant disrespect for their child - a role model to be sure. Unkindness is a tell. Fakeness and two faced attitudes are also tells. If you're talking bad about someone else behind their back, then it's likely no one is safe around you.
If you feel you deserve it because of your role, title, gender, age, SES, or any other arbitrary sign of prestige, buckle up buttercup, you might not get it simply because you hold these stations in life.
There are many other factors that contribute to other people offering to respect you. But as you can see; if you are a jerk or an asshole, respect will be limited. Instilling fear is different from respect. People who fear you don't respect you. And if you’re unwilling or unable to accept these conditions of engagement, perhaps you need to consider if YOU are the problem. Perhaps you don’t deserve to be in relationship, because you don’t believe the rules apply to you.
Good Manners and The Golden Rule
Be a good human to other people, no matter who they are. Show thoughtfulness for animals, the earth, the universe. These are the basics to getting along well with others.
If you show RESPECT for all of these others first, then you just might be on the receiving end of the respect you wanted all along.